This wasn’t a post that I’d thought that I write today. I like to keep this blog fairly lighthearted, but this is where my heart is now. Springtime is always difficult since we’ve experienced both our miscarriages during this time of year. It also happens to coincide with Mother’s Day and my birthday, which doesn’t make it any easier.
What is somewhat a comfort is that National Infertility Awareness Week takes place this week and reading the stories of other women helps ease some of the pain. It also stirs up some of the hurt. After reading a few stories, I went to make lunch, and this letter to my future babe came pouring out. If you’re pressing through this journey as well, I hope you see that you’re not alone. My heart goes out to you and your partner. Infertility is a tough son-of-a-bitch.
Dear Baby Darling,
I love you so much. I can’t wait to meet you and hold you. My heart aches every day that you’re not here yet, and I long see you and smell you and talk to you. I want desperately to know your personality and the joy that you will bring into our lives. I can’t wait to see how you light up the world around you and when you discover your ability to do anything.
I want to have you now. I keep asking God why not NOW? I look up, I dig in, and I hear nothing. Do you hear me? Does my voice echo in the silence? Are you looking down from above waiting for the perfect moment to enter your Daddy and I’s life? Do you know when you’ll make your entrance? Are you as excited to meet us as we are to meet you?
Some months, I’m convinced that you’re going to break through. I feel my body preparing, and I swear in my head that it’s time. But then the moment passes without you here. Is there something that I can do to speed up your arrival? Do you and the angels watch and wait, knowing the perfect time has not come? Do you cry like I do? Do you wish you could let me know the moment in advance to ease the sadness?
Sweet soul, we love you. Our hearts already overflow with love for you, and we can’t wait to pour it out on you when you join our family. Please hurry. Not sure our hearts can take much more.
Love you now and forever,